Blood, Sweat, Forms and Years


I speak a lot about Forms – and the majority of my writing on them has been the personal means to objectify them so as to be able to explore and understand them. For me, writing is a type of trance or meditation through which I conduct a self-based alchemy. How does one use forms personally – i.e. when not setting them up to effect change on others, how does one incorporate Forms as useful things?

I can only provide my own answer. There is a well known practice of evocation that exists in many systems of Magic whereupon the Sorcerer summons an entity and merges with it – lets it take over in order to receive its wisdom, i.e. the equivalent of letting the entity take over one’s consciousness, more loosely termed as Demonic possession. The Ego is pushed aside as the consciousness of the God takes control.

This is I believe largely an extroverted approach where Demons manifest outwardly as objects imbued with power – and I have also experienced this earlier in my life when I was a marked extrovert via my copious consumption of alcohol that inhibited my introversion – whilst for the introvert Demons are manifest inside the Psyche, appearing as nightmares, fears, doubts, dreams that invoke genius and madness which give inhuman advice, solutions or wisdom beyond what the conscious ego can put together by its own agency.

However – the few times I have tried to invoke the Devil – I have been possessed of the unwelcome feeling of being terribly overwhelmed – of the immediate sensation of losing control and wanting to kill my friends or family in terrible ways.

When I read a book on a subject I do as the evoker does – I give my consciousness over to the author and experience what they experience, believe what they believe, and lose control of my consciousness to understand a political regime, a religious faction, a historical figure or a living one. From this submission to the authors crafted spell of concepts and text I am afforded a supra-personal insight beyond what I could achieve if I were to treat the book as an object with contents external to me to which my Will and that of the author constantly questioned each other. I believe the term temporary suspension of disbelief applies here. Naturally of course, there arise passages where there is a definite clash – where disbelief cannot be suspended, and it is those passages that cause my conscious mind to fire back up and reach for a notepad to record a sudden flash of insight. In this way do I absorb a form whether it be an occult book, a philosophical treatise or a reference on guns and ammunition.

However, Jung’s writing, objectifies the very thing I am perceiving objects with. He writes about the functions of the very tool I am using to read his work as it performs its functions. There is the odd sense that one is looking into a carnival mirror which twists and distorts the sense of identity into grotesque shapes. For me, Jung’s work is the equivalent of the Necronomicon itself – for it summons the very nature of evil to the fore in unmistakable incarnations.

We can call a Dark God in the forest and leave it where we found it by pushing it back into the dark realms from whence we suppose we called it and mark a boundary with a protective circle – not so with the matter of the psyche and the entities that live within it. Wherever we go we take them with us and our only magical circle against them is a limitation of consciousness which conceals the majority of our personal being from us – but which others often see despite our best efforts. There is no banishing ritual against the unconscious and therefore the contents that rise up from it when we lose control of our Ego can be more devastating than anything called into the world externally, for it sets in motion an evolution of consciousness from which we cannot go back but which makes more and more demands on the psyche to individuate – to address shortcomings – re-examine motives and actions and conduct – chastise our fantastic image of ourselves or cruelly teach us a lesson about the real state of things.

The Necronomicon has the nature of an indistinct dream, the writing swims about and makes no sense to the conscious, the symbols are not numinous but manufactured from imagination, the creatures merely theoretical and vague. Psychoanalysis is the extreme opposite. The writing is all too close to home and we immediately recognize ourselves as doing exactly what the rituals dictate we are. We find ourselves rapidly losing control over what we thought was us as a surge of other activities are made apparent to us, that we are engaging in without any consciousness. The symbols are numinously charged per excellence where dreams have the power to completely devastate us, wake us up screaming, crying, sweating or cause us to perform a 180 in the midst of some behaviour, action or goal. We do not always understand their meaning but we are slave to their effects. The creatures of the psyche are also all too real, defined with knife-edges we sense their tremendous power and see them plain as day in our own being – we recognize the Shadow, prejudice, bigotry, shame, guilt, hypocrisy, inflation of the ego, unrealistic expectations we hold and so on – and they haunt us unmercifully – if not consciously then in the depths of the unconscious where they shove us about like puppets against our best intentions and conscious will.

Because we are unconscious of the majority of our psyche we cannot exorcise our demons – our shortcomings, our projections, our weaknesses, blame shifting, egoism are ghosts who refuse to be silenced – when they are pointed out to us the ego is crushed or rages at the pointee because it does not accept that evaluation – it clashes with our identity of who we are and how we are conducting ourselves. We are doomed to a very narrow field of vision however for to let more of the unconscious into the ego is to invite disaster – a disaster I have been inviting for a long time.

My face wears a mask that rarely moves making it impossible for people to tell what I am thinking or feeling, my emotions are dull and my mood changes quickly – a black surge of exhaustion or fatigue overtakes me and I need to be alone without any way to communicate what is happening because I do not have the words to say my unconscious is erupting in polite company. These are the effects that assail the introvert but which he can often say nothing of because they are too markedly at odds with the established language and customs of the world. It is the same reason, despite dividing your psyche internally into different you’s – you will still say ‘I’ for convenience and to avoid conflict with the assault this seems to have on others who often take the view that one is insane. The enormous annoyance in doing any work on the psyche is that society does not reward, recognize or appreciate it – if anything it shuns, punishes and ostracizes those who would improve themselves [Their Selves] because Very few can actually do it or try to do it – and the result of doing it is very often an inflated ego or air of genius that elevates itself above the mediocrity of the common man and makes them feel seen as inferior, superfluous or sub-human. This is the archetype of the Hero, where I would refer readers to the peerless study of the Hero by Connell Monette to understand the archetype of the Hero – and the Hero always invites the wrath of the Gods, often carried out by their own hubris.

The difficulty of working on the psyche is that there exists no Insynsian – there is only realism of standing on the Threshold between the two worlds never crossing over into it – for we can only be conscious of so much at a time, and always in the darkness thrives the other side of that consciousness in the unconscious. Humans have problems, and will always have problems. And here is where the truth beings to be told – for THEM do not appeal to that age-honoured ridiculousness of the struggle to become a God-like being – when merely a little less stupid, will do.

We cannot be supermen. We cannot create a super-consciousness by somehow melding the two. We cannot be Gods. We cannot even be close. And it is this acceptance that is required by modern man. The struggle to create or be the perfect man, the ubermensch is the Shadow of our unconscious imperfection – the ubermensch is the massive over-compensation of a psyche in serious trouble. The problem of course being that when our unconscious is healthy and functioning as it should – we are often consciously terribly troubled, sad or depressed. Other seek to console, cheer us up and to oblige them we repress those feelings causing unrest in the unconscious again. There is a constant war for what is acceptable to the unconscious is entirely unacceptable to the conscious world in which we live. We are not allowed to be sad or depressed – we must be cheered up, made to feel better and thus our psyche can rarely express itself naturally but is yolked to an artificial tradition.

We need to set our heights lower – to actually achieve something in the real rather than constantly pushing an impossible bar out of reach so that we can console ourselves with never being able to reach it. We then say ‘Oh well no-one could reach that impossible height, so I do not feel bad for trying and failing – since I know I can never reach it, I will not try.’ But we do try – we repress that intent and it becomes the goal of the unconscious to try to reach it. The Psyche is a terrible see-saw, when we apply pressure in one place, it appears elsewhere. When we try to contain some habit of ours, or drive it underground – it gathers exceptional strength or mutates and explodes somewhere else. The Psyche appears to have a complex fail-safe that keeps it in relative stasis and makes it very difficult to in any permanent way change it.

The quest to destroy the Ego is in reality a quest to make it absurdly stronger – this is the key to the Magi’s practice of outwardly driving others to extinguish it all the while knowing such efforts only strengthen it. In this way do simple appeals to our Ego have all the more power and control over people is made all the more easier. The quest to find the Self does not require the extinguishing of the Ego – that is again a way of making it terrifyingly stronger and therefore more amenable to basic manipulations. The quest to find the Self such as it is involves only simple things. For abstinence is merely another form of indulgence that ultimately makes something stronger – hence the repression of sex, the erotic, intimacy, touch erupts in the Church in the form of rampant paedophilia. We just need to listen that bit more, try to understand the contents of our psyche have their own rules, make conscious the function and behaviour of these functions, and to be patient with ourselves.

Dreams speak to us sometimes but not all times – the unconscious has input into our consciousness but it is not always to be taken as given, it throws up junk, fantasy and mystery even as it transmits archetypal imagery or guides of our stage toward individuation. We have developed a consciousness for a reason – it is not to be reprimanded, punished and mistreated as it has been, demonized because we cannot control it, understand it or change it – or culturally divorced from them by way of bad-tempered children and legions of people who never took the time to work with it but merely parroted popular notions and misguided ones at that that the ego was the source of all our troubles and evils. We need it to be strong and tough as well as flexible and resilient to believe we can undertake this kind of work, to withstand the attacks or honest raw truths that arise from communications with the unconscious, to sort and use or discard what it has to say into piles – only rarely can we entirely trust the unconscious as a guide that will keep us safe or show us the way – it takes two to do that, the conscious Ego and the subconscious Abyss. We need to treat both with care, and respect, or be able to push them back or ignore them when we feel we know better.

We need to understand that to do this, to stand constantly on the Threshold is a Lot more work – and where most humans are happy to take the path of the least energy – this one requires extra effort. This is a constant struggle with endless steps up and down, of being assailed with a dozen valid views or answers everytime a question is asked or an answer given. For all of the functions want to speak their piece from their point of view – and if one is not careful in the development of this vessel no longer of I but of THEM – one can go incurably insane.

I do not hear voices I have impulses that sometimes cripple my ability to give a reply to a question where the questioner, question, and answer are all essayed at once from different points of view and it is impossible to choose the right answer because there are so many. The expansion of consciousness brings unique problems of its own because while it expands, the consciousness of others does not – there is therefore a tendency toward becoming an eccentric Hermit or pushed deep into Isolation from which one cannot climb out.

Since the Ego is no longer in charge, and one’s perspective is no longer singular, no longer myopic and channeled solely through the lens of the Ego – it becomes exceptionally difficult to take a stance, one can see an argument from both sides, above it, below it, beyond it, alternate arguments that would be better, finds fault with the question, has to ask whether the matter is objective, subjective, what lens the argumenters hold, can they see outside of themselves, are they extrovert, introvert, should one interfere, can one interfere, is it right to give an answer, should they find the answer for themselves – and so on – and with no immediate prejudice, no immediate decisive single belief in what one Is, and should Say, from whatever Platform their ego occupies and represents – there is only the Babble of multiple impulses, arising from the thoughts like the Dread voices of the Dark Ones that drove the Mad Arab Al Azhared of the Necronomicon, mad.

The other thing of course of importance is that in becoming a THEM – in accessing the Threshold, that one must often choose one of two worlds to excel in. One can rarely manage both successfully. I have poured a Lot into the Temple of THEM and as a result my family and friends have suffered. Whilst I solve the riddles of the minds of strangers or establish myself as a known figure through my writing and images – my wife is often pushed away and neglected or my kids yelled at by an irritable man for not taking out the rubbish or some other small thing – because my libido is concentrated in the unconscious or collective personality as Ryan Anschauung.

If you seek to become what I have become – you must know the sacrifice, the dark and ugly side of any Genius to be had from standing at the Threshold of greater consciousness – the Gods do not give up their fire easily, and when they do, is it always at Great cost. To educate thousands over the decade on how to alter the Aeon, achieve psychic stability, to give guidance I have had to endure a less than ideal alter-ego who has caused a lot of tears, fights and anger, guilt, sadness and loneliness. And for that reason, I endure – because it cannot all be for nothing. And truth be told – it was for my gain, my greed, my desire to attain it.

I therefore hope that people appreciate my Work for it comes at great personal cost to me and those around me. I do not want to paint a picture of either/or – some of the time it is possible to balance the two worlds of the exoteric and the esoteric and feel like you’re King of the world – but those times when either world is invested in too heavily reaps a severe penalty. This is the living analogy of the battle between the conscious and unconscious for dominion and like many things of the Sinister Path when all the sugary-words and wrappings are torn off it – it is ugly even as it is beautiful. This work, to be one of THEM, requires genuine Blood, fragments of your Soul. Weigh it up carefully. Consider what is required – and if you decide to join us, try to remember to be fair with your time with those around you – I have poured far too much of myself into the Temple to make it the splendour it is, most of my life in fact– and perhaps now others won’t have to since the foundations are laid and the Temple built.

But yes, only the foundations and the lighthouse as a beacon to others have been built – all that I have done so far is but the prelude to much harder less forgiving work, I know how to be One of THEM – their forces speak to me in a wordless language all their own – to push beyond the Threshold is the goal now, to push and yet to survive. I know the Way but to travel it places even greater demands on one, and calls for even greater sacrifice and I do not know if I am willing to give it. For now, I will show others my way and how I got here – and when they get to where I am let them decide whether I was wrong to flinch from the Abyss – that is, if I am still here and did not leap blindly into it…