Some Notes on the Dynamism of Insight
I learned it well and once before that the Initiate knows when to move on from the Insight Role. I have given a chronological order of some insight roles – but they are not all here. There was also in the interim my role as an Author since having never been particular good at getting my writing into any sort of format and lazy about it I eventually founded the Black Glyph Society and co-founded the Temple of THEM both of which proved successful extension of my will. Some other roles are too private or incriminating to share. My anonymity gives me some leeway in being open and honest about my path – but it is not a get out of jail free card.
I should also make clear, that whilst the chronology of insight roles given here follows a linear order, and is to the best of my knowledge the most accurate order – these roles did overlap on occasion – but it was a long time ago and I cannot be of any further assistance sorting them. If I were asked about any one of them I could provide more information on all my insights, experiences, what I learned, and so on – but I cannot be sure of the exact order because of the overlap. In all these roles I lived the culture, adopted the ways of speaking, living, acting to the best of my ability. For before most of this, I was just intellectual and theoretical in my thinking. But following my dynamic extensive sets of Insight Roles I began to fill out my shape, my place, my aura and my first-hand knowledge of things – not as they were said to be, but as they were.
Through my adoption and impression of the Order’s strict rules of fitness I found the impetus to quit smoking and gave up cigarettes and marijuana. When I say that the ONA gave me strength – I really mean purpose. I could have done these things without the Order, being always possessed of a steely determination to make things happen – but for no other reason than to make them happen on some personal scale with no sense of where I was going or why I was doing them – I.e. with no master plan. My life had been about taking down the Christian Empire, even well before I encountered the Order. But somewhere along the line I became a bit lost, indulged in sex, drugs, drink and heavy metal searching for greater meaning to my life and become rather despondent about finding it. Around this time I had been since 18, a raging drunk renowned for being able to drink copious amounts of alcohol day after day in rabid binges. My consumption of alcohol nearly killed me dozens of times some of which experiences I have detailed in my first diary of a devilworshipper. But after discovering the Order I began to change shape – becoming far more aggressive, centred and ambitious. I began to see that there was more to life, a purpose beyond the immediate indulgence of things and a path, a succession of attainments – and it appealed greatly.
I had been writing quite a lot, reading everything I could find, diligently by the Order and anything on anyone they suggested to have been their influence or to whom they were reactionary. I had gotten skinny, malnourished and weak spending all that time in my room creating the Naos Tarot. So, having been looking into insight roles I began one that would challenge me greatly. I joined a gym for two years using it excessively. My aim was to get fit and ready to undertake the 7FW‘s harder challenges. At least every second day, working my body as hard as I could until it refused to work anymore; I downed protein shakes and was eating steaks and sandwiches for every other meal. I wanted to push it as far as I could – but I didn’t really understand how the body worked – that you couldn’t do that – and Andy often turned me away when I turned up the next day saying I had to let my body rest. Sometimes I listened to him, sometimes I didn’t. I learned about Lactic Acid pretty quickly. To counteract this [Is it apparent by now that I’m always looking for way to cheat natural forces?] I looked into soft martial arts and stretching exercises. I opted not to do Yoga – and chose to begin practicing a soft art called Ba Dua Jin. It was an impressive art and I was surprised to experience Chi and deep meditation through it – physical experiences that overtook my rational mind and showed me a new world of biology. I practiced Ba Du Jin with the intention to start Chi Kung – but it was required to do BDJ for at least a year before attempting Chi Kung. Always one with reverence for Eastern philosophies and martial arts I wisely listened. BDJ helped me overcome lactic acid build-up and to achieve deep states of relaxation as well as strengthen my muscles. Back at the gym, I avoided steroids though they were available through various channels, wanting to do it on my own. Following some of the instructions from my mentor Sath – who remarked that using the gym was a good physical step for me but was only building my ego-armour – making my ego hyper-sensitive and overly muscular – I decided she was right, I was getting big and also more aggressive, but to what avail? I needed to exercise the right muscles, the fighting muscles to go with my fighting mind. A few months after being at the gym, and having taken the step of seeing a naturopath who gave me Reneel to cleanse my liver, which had been severely harmed by alchohol – my instructor Andy informed me the cloud in my eyes was gone.
My second Insight Role was a Skinhead role during which I deliberately adopted the ethos and geometric shape of a rabid racist. I learned about the power of perceived authority, hypocrisy, bigotry, the illegitimate stance of many political groups as a cover for justification of violence and the economics that overpowers it all … I used to think race was some all powerful mode by which people segregated themselves – but it turned out that it was economics that was far more powerful. Economics brought supposed races at war together in truces; economics existed and found a way to flourish inside any system; economics over-ruled any abstract division of race, honour, power; Nations were founded and broken in its operations. I learned to judge each person individually, by their character, not their colour. You could do so much more with economics than you ever could with race – which is why Some Jews were tolerated or escaped the Nazi’s culling as business partners despite the outward machismo and political machines against them in any positions of power. Just as one instance. But I’d later learn that ‘character’ was a fragile constant too. This is recorded in my Second diary of a DevilworshippR.
Following this role, I felt I needed a role that moved beyond this exhausting temperament to one of tolerance. And so I chose to take my place in a Nursing Home as a cleaner for a third role. My insights recorded for this are on death, depression, isolation, but also indomitable human spirit and the necessity of laughter for all human souls and captured in Fading. I will admit that during this time whilst painting, I grew restless and painted satanic symbols on the walls before painting them over. But I generally grew into my role to such a degree it was hard to leave. Whilst contemplating the Home I decided to test my mettle – for now I had seen that it was a mere matter of wearing the right face, clothes and actions to fit in anywhere and be seen as that which you were actually not. I was on the road to illustrating for myself that it was impossible to screen someone out if they adopted the forms, the currents, the attitude, the philosophy your organization demanded. I began to understand how the Cold War tactics of espionage must have worked, how spies infiltrated the most secure installations. They just relied on appearance.
So I applied for a job at the ABS as my fourth role – now detailed in my account on the L316 Nexion; where I also overheard a conversation concerning the application process of entry into ASIO – the Australian Security Intelligence Office. It seemed to be merely a matter of ticking the right boxes in psychological tests, and just enough of the wrong ones so you didn’t appear “normal” or too smart to fall for the trap.
During my role with the ABS I learned that the supposed ‘paranoia’ I had harboured but never been able to prove was to some extent justified now. There were other people watching us civilians – recording our movements and so on for various authorities, mapping details on satellite maps. We used GNAF, Geographic National Address Finder which does not show detail of physical objects, but is a scaled back secure version used by the Transport Authority that can show property lines, roads, addresses etc. It can also show whatever installation or location, you type in – including unrecorded military, and government installations that do not appear on public maps, etc. In regards to filling out the census, only the military and the government seemed exempt from providing details. In regards to the Census it is officially compulsory and those who do not comply are ticked off on a list of reasons for not doing so – including political, religious or just hate the government. Resolution is attempted but a fine issued in the event of non-cooperation. If you write your details in red pen the ICR software cannot read it because it operates using infrared – making your form likely to be one of the 1-2 million transcribed by hand. However, one crucial matter not made public is that whilst compulsory, there are two sectors of Census data; the first is the most important and the only legally compulsory section people must complete; their name, their address, their gender, and how many people are living in the address. This is all that is required. The rest of the more personal details are suggested to be compulsory but are actually not – this forms the second sector comprising the rest of the census document but the ABS keeps this a secret in order, as it does many other operations, to ensure public compliance and trust in gaining personal information. This information was all kept, originally in warehouses with boxes of paper – but fires decimated paper records resulting in a loss of records from a certain period onward, so records are now held electronically. This personal Information is given to the Transport Authority for them to make plans concerning structural integrity, infrastructure, public transport needs, additional water pipes and so on – but is also supplied to other firms my superior was not willing to comment on. This insight role was an eye-opener – since I processed a number of individuals whose profession was surveillance and listening to conversations, it is only natural that there follows a step upward from this position of surveillance and mapping where the technology is more powerful, more revealing, and more comprehensive. After sitting at a desk for months, in an office working 13 hour days, I was feeling I was helping the Magi control and dominate people by mapping their co-ordinates; though I balanced this by allowing anyone who referred to themselves as a Satanist to escape certain measures of scrutiny we were required to point out or mark a box for. But the incompetence got to me – they would spend an hour telling us how to code something and then ten minutes after doing it, we’d be called in for a new meeting to explain changes. This continued ad infinitum. There were other considerations as well – largely my impressions that I was helping the Government as a cog to grease the wheels. To some extent you had to in order to be there long enough to observe what was going on – but after sitting at a desk so long I’d lost a lot of muscle, motivation, ambition and physical fitness – I required a more active challenge to counteract my last.
[I should point out, that my views toward destruction/disruption of the government or of architecture, etc. are no longer as unevenly destructive as they used to be. Through psychology, sociology and economics I have a more balanced understanding of the role of Government bodies, what they do and the alternative; such as how people behave as a mass/collective without such measures in place. I am infinitely sceptical of traditional methods of motivation such as race, us and them, and other appeals to act for this or that reason; since forms are no longer all that I calculate but also the many levels of human behaviour, habit, tradition, culture, and so on that make people act a certain way without being able to solve problems, differently. That said, I am one of the few top percentage of the world able to write, read, speak freely, share my thoughts, and not have to worry overly much about war, famine, disease, corruption or poverty. I am beyond lucky and privileged to be in that position merely by being born where I have been. I have come to see, that such things above and many more are all complex issues – which are beyond my understanding or power to change – tied up not just in surface goings on but in the deep labyrinths of the individual human mind and their experiences, economics, environment and personal relationship with their psyche. The juggernaut of humanity is never as simple as forms encapsulate it to be – and I am ever wary of the written word which has a natural geometry for enclosing such complexities in simplistic formats and closed loops, as is the nature of language and grammar inclined to do, which is in part a deceptive suggestion what is written about can be closed the same way. This may seem at odds with the outward statements of the Order – and it probably is – but the outward statements of the Order serve a purpose, for a time, until such time, the outward statements, serve a new purpose.]
Following my leaving of the ABS who tried to convince me to stay – more because I was doing a good job than from any personal attachment – I had taken up an interest in Ninjutsu. It began with the sighting of fliers and casual reading. Then I found a Dojo.
Following 4 years at Ninjitsu and 1 year at Muay Thai I applied for the Army.
My Army role did not eventuate – though I passed all the tests and so on, there was an 11 month wait, doing medicals and just waiting for my placement to be processed. The fire went out inside during this wait and I abandoned pursuing this role in favour of another.
It was during the last 3 years that with all that I had learned I had fashioned myself in such a way that Terrorism and Culling suggested themselves to me as natural extensions of all that had come before. I was now in such a position as I was trained to kill somebody and had become good enough to get a job pretty much anywhere. But my Wyrd has not been to blow things up or deal out justice to thugs [in the strict sense that I kill them]. What is my Wyrd? Well, It seems that I do not yet know – and have been merely following my intuition along the path to where it lies. Still – I am only 32 and as I understand it my age has a direct bearing and impact on my approach to life and therefore my understanding – just as I look back now and see more about my life at 18 than I did at 18 – maybe I will understand my Wyrd when I am older then, maybe around 40-45, or maybe not. Either way, ad accumulum inifinitum – I will be continuing to follow my intuition, feeling my way through the dark, and recognizing the silent unmoving patches of occasional stagnancy when I am not sure about what I am doing for what they really are; signs of progress, signs of life.
What is Dynamism? Dynamism, to me, is knowing what you need – going to one extreme and then the other, and then going in a new direction altogether. It’s about commitment not to one role, but to an ongoing procession of learning, using one role to power the next in an intermeshed learning that never stops – and always challenges the conscious geometry of the ego, shaking its stultifications and assumptions, conclusions and prejudices loose. There was nothing random about my choice of roles – they were chosen to build upon one another, complimenting or contradicting the role before. I didn’t always have foresight into my next role – but I knew when to move on and somehow where to move on to based on what I needed to grow, on what the role I was in had uncovered for me, what was shown to me to be my weakness in or fear of, illustrated to me how little I didn’t know or suggested areas where I could use more light. And when the light began to dawn the divisions began to collapse; words began to drain themselves of power; and forms began turning transparent.
I will say – that my vitriolic ultra-cynicism as well as host of other philosophical and practical, magical and mental considerations ; stopped me from taking two particular roles too far – joining or becoming a terrorist faction, and culling. My notes on culling are recorded in Culling: A Contemplation – I had built myself up to the task and stopped short – a wise decision in my mind. I am far from a pacifist – and I hold no illusions about violence to solve problems; in many cases I have solved them with only the threat of violence. Killing is killing – it can be for right, it can be for wrong. But if I don’t agree with the motives for killing, the reason for killing someone, I won’t be doing it just to prove anything to anyone. Do I believe in self-defense, absolutely I do and I’ll go so far as to kill to preserve myself, if I think I have to. But on my terms, when and if, the situation presents itself.
And, my notes and creative suggestions on/for terrorism were recorded in an older WordPress; Dark Planet, that was banned after its content came to the awareness of its moderators – heightened by internal activity during a brief clash of forms and figures. I do know some of those suggestions were copied resulting in news – but disruptive news not destructive news. As I look around and hear from people who tell me they saw my work at a fair, or won it as a prize, or it influenced them to do this or that including very dark acts some of which, where possible, I have felt compelled to step in and Stop – I have realized that whilst it may seem as if a world away my writings are disconnected thoughts that I just fire off or put on a blog – there are and have been repercussions to it. I find myself in a position of unexpected responsibility, so I suppose it is lucky for the world that I am not an evil man even as I use evil. [Perhaps against itself.] And perhaps therefore a failure as a Satanist, but somewhat more successful as the shadowy sower of the seeds of one of Them.
It is – all too easy – to use form against the mind of someone with mere suggestion or what suffices for reason via an elegant or convincing appeal to the senses, emotions or logic. Some of my early thoughts on the power of the Order, as one example close to me that did have the power to cause action through suggestion, are also recorded in my second diary under the Psychology of Satanism. Though the Order has grown much more complex in its outward forms – the inner human tradition of how forms are processed remains essentially the same. There are signs however, I think, that this tradition of perception has been sufficiently assaulted to shake loose some of the time-worn habits of apprehension and comprehension toward a new and more acute, powerful, incisive Sinister derivative – still in a minority but steadily taking hold in the forms of the Magi where it was not able to take root before due to its elitism.
The enduring factor that remains a constant after all these and continuing insight roles – is the hypocrisy set up by adherence to a form, hypocrisy of the self and the projection that cannot help but arise to ensnare and limit being through a mode, whatever it may be. In some ways I suppose this begins to tempers the severity of Insight Roles as time goes by – or perhaps this temperance just provides the catalyst for an eventual compensatory atomic time bomb…
With insight roles – What I thought would be the case – was seldom ever the case in terms of what I encountered, how I felt, what the outcome would result in, all of which afforded me rich, luxurious sensatory experiences and immersion into real world situations which changed my physiology and added immeasurably to my perception, problem solving skills, and empathy with real forces, real people. Rather than sitting home reading a book about such things and agreeing with authors and merely layering my consciousness – I sought to contact and commune with my unconscious part of my psyche and the untapped potential of my body by giving it what it needed – Food. I could of course have just agreed that Nazism or racism was this or that – but now I know why – and can explain it – add to it – and chastize those who write about it being this or that for what they leave out or use to imbalance the actuality of it. In terms of inward and outward changes, or of perspective – I could not have predicted the experiences, the emotions, the conflicts, the resolutions, the people, the fun, the danger, the strength, the work, the struggle, the determination, the rewards, the sadness, the outcome … much of these experiences were often only understood much later on when the immediacy of the role had subsided and I had time to look back or compare it with a present role.
Form – or what I perceive and call Form – is the most powerful modality I have researched – the most immediate effective black magic I have encountered. Capable of assuming any shape any person is capable of anything. To cite Joseph Conrad “inside all human beings there beats a heart of darkness” – and a maxim to which I hold – “All human beings are Scorpions”.
My Thanks to L316 Nexion for hosting my thoughts.
Temple of THEM.